Life and Death
Darkness, death and a great fear was my first encounter with the stars and galaxies. It was during a war in which an artillery shell exploded near me. A shrapnel hit a young soldier tearing his head apart. It was a cold winter night and the sky was clear. My dead friend was lying on a stretcher. We were a small unit in a midst of combat, united by the greatest fear of losing our lives.
-
and with them the notion that I am but a momentary visitor in this world, born accidentally and soon would cease to exist. In terms of stars' life span, our span of existence is unnoticed. The stars will still be there shining in the sky long after our physical bodies turn to ashes and our memory vanishes without a trace. What was the meaning of this young soldier’s life that was lying dead on a bloody stretcher? What is the meaning of my life? What is the meaning of such a limited body with 70-90 years of existence? And what are we in relation to those stars that radiate their energy and light without a notice of our limited existence.
Those were the questions that arose in me when I stood fully armed, freezing, frightened and gazing at the stars, waiting for something. Maybe a call for a cease fire, a resurrection of our dead friend, a light from above, a divine message that we truly exist, that our lives are worthy. That we deserve a bit of comfort and tenderness from simple human warmth. It was still the coldest night, our friend remained dead, we received no celestial signs and there was no sign that this war would terminate soon. I was a young officer. The unit looked at me but I didn't really know what to do. I tried to contact my battalion commander but he was out of reach. I ordered my soldiers to hide the best they could against future shells. Some medics came to evacuate the corpse of our friend and then there was silence again. I began to write some notes in a military, short water-proof notebook I had in my pocket. I wrote:
“If I will stay alive in this war I promise to live my life in a constant search for its meaning.”
“If I will live till tomorrow, I will learn to appreciate the sun rays.”
“If I will live the next hour…”
A sudden bombardment of shells started causing the earth to tremble beneath us. It was if the whole world was falling apart. The noise was unbearable. After ten minutes it was quiet again. Only smoke and the burnt smell remained. We hadn't any direct orders - neither to attack, attack nor to retreat. We were stuck in the middle of an obscure war, hiding as much as we could for minimal exposure, just trying to stay alive.
In my notebook I wrote, “staying alive for what? I don't want to hide in a pit shell all my life.”
I felt like all the universe was moving, nothing stood still in this spot. I thought about the fact that everything in this universe moves, all that moves, moves in circles. All that lives lives in cycles. All that exists is in the process of change or refinement, so we are but a pure electrical essence that it is encapsulated by a sustainable physical body.. That this frightened body can disappear in a second. The enigma of life is ours to reveal and it might be that we will leave this world with much more questions than answers.
In my notebook I wrote, “if I will stay alive after this war I will remind myself every sunrise not to take anything for granted.”
Have magic,
Ted Barr
Tze’elim Base
Negev Desert Israel
